Dream Fighter

むいてない

地震だ揺れてるワーとか原発で放射性物質で体内被曝でこわいーとか。反原発ソングとか消極的容認派とか。そういう流行に全然乗れない。というか、それがなんで流行ってるのかを「get」できない。

んでもってそれらは流行っているので多くの人の心をつかんでいて、それらに共感したり反感したりする人たちがそれぞれ共感したり反感したりしているんのを傍観している。

Imagine when you no longer eat

... but you don't die. I can hardly imagine how I don't die. I love eating. I don't like running very much but I still do because I want to eat something I love as much as I want to eat. I love cooking but that's because I love to eat what I cook.

Ben posted about a blog entry about the topic: Eating & dining the other day and I read the blog entry today. It really made me think how I am here right now alone in my room. I hadn't dined at home more than a day in a week for more than half a year before I settled my life at where I am now.

I had drunk and eaten what I liked every day, I wasn't nil-by-mouth. But the blog entry realized me why I wasn't happy when I was eating one of the most favorite dishes at home as much as I wanted to eat. I may have eaten something but I never had dined at that time.

For nights I would wake up already focused on that small but heavy glass mug with the ice sliding from it, and the first sip of root beer. I took that sip over and over. The ice slid down across my fingers again and again. But never again.

Nil by mouth By Roger Eber

I agree with Ben; the last paragraph is the killer. But I am quoting this other paragraph because I am going to visit Okinawa in a week where you can find and maybe dine on top of, A&W.

This is it

This is it.

Today we shipped Movable Type 5.0. It's the result of all these months of dedicated works of the team. I am proud of being involved in this project, and am happy to be recognized as the leader of the team among the team members.

We have lost many since we started the project. We were not able to have as much help as we expected from our members in the US, especially the lead developer of the former versions. We had difficulties in communicating across pacific ocean. We suffered a lot. But the product survived. The product showed its strongest face and I was able just to observe what was going on from the side line, looking at the team getting matured.

I am proud to say everybody that I built this team this strong. I don't let anybody correct me that I did build this team. This team showed its potential that is strong enough to release the world's most sophisticated social publishing platform. Movable Type 5.0 must be everyone's choice.

So, this is it. As the product stepped up to another stage, I am going to step up too. It's the mixture of a new venture and leverage of my experience, and my strength. It is going to be tough as I come to know it's not always the case that I get enough respect when I do something I thought good. That's what I have to fight now. Fortunately I already have my followers and supporters.

So, this is it. I am going to make a move, both in my professional and my personal life.

November 26th is going to be remembered by most of them as the date that Movable Type 5.0 is shipped. And the date is going to be remembered by myself that I have decided to make this move in my personal life.

So, this is it.

get me out of this maze

Every morning saves my yesterday.  Every morning ruins my day.  Every afternoon I get wrong idea.  But every evening breaks my heart again and every night I sigh.

"Everytime we say good bye, I die a little" - Simply Red - Everytime We Say Goodbye

"Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe, to love you"- Simply Red - The Air That I Breathe

So this is my birthday

... and what have I done? I have done a lot of work related stuff in a year. I have taken over an entire product management while I keep maintaining the other product and the team. I have built a significant position so everybody across the ocean comes up with my name when he/she would do something that impacts this side of the ocean. I am proud of how I am running the teams.

Yet.

I am 38 years old now. 40 is just about two years in front of me. I remember when my father was 40. He was a senior management and he has already got all of my respect. I don't have my kid. I even broke up our relationship just about a few weeks ago. If it were win or lose, I am certainly a loser dog compared to my father. I can never get over my father in any way in my and his lives. He is great and I am not.

I live in this sad and lonely world. I won't get what I want. But life still goes on, ob la di ob la da.

Happy birthday, to me.

I will be back

It's VERY difficult to accept that I have to give up this life here in two days. Shit happened. My bike was stolen. One of my dreams has never got as close as it was and I still lost it. However, I wasn't able to find anything that made me truly want to return to where I was a month and a half ago.

Even with those clouds and fog, the sky is beautiful. Every morning the concierge ladies on duty smiled at me and told me to have a good day. Colleagues are motivated, focused and was having fun at work. They are now good friends of mine too. I can only remember smily faces.

Granted, it was probably because I was a stranger. I was a visitor. A tourist. But I then think about it. Do I make them this happy every time someone visits our office for a few weeks? Do they always have this good experience in Tokyo?

This was a business trip. As I wrote before my job didn't really go as well as what I thought it would. I will be back here, more focused and motivated. This coming few months are for me to prepare I will leave there to come back here. Wait for me San Francisco, just for a few more months.

Mission Not Accomplished

As my business trip to San Francisco is coming to an end, it is now clear that I am not able to accomplish the primary task of my being here for a month and a half. I did many things and many of them I don't think could be achieved me being in Tokyo. I refuse to believe it was a complete waste of money.

However, the more I think about it, the more I regret that I probably needed focus. I probably needed courage to leave everything behind and do this primary task only. I wasn't able to do some of these things because some of the required components were not available, and that was one of the reasons why I didn't focus on the very task.

Focus, devotion, leaving troubles and tasks others could also work on ( but you do it better and faster ), are what I am not good at. Understanding yourself correctly might be the harvest of this trip. I just wanted to do what I like to do because I feel happy when I am doing it. I should have fought for the right to get the luxury of doing what I wanted to do. I have a full week before I leave here.

The worst morning in my life

I have not been eating breakfast in Japan. I have not been either in here. But because I am so in love with the breakfast dishes the Blue Bottle Cafe offer every morning, I decided I would have breakfast. To do it, I decreased the amount I ate for dinner and I woke up earlier in the morning to go to gym for an an hour, just to get myself hungry in the morning.

For less than an hour, I enjoyed the ever so great breakfast at the cafe. I was satisfied, happy, and thinking about what to do today at work, when I found the bike rack was empty. I tried to think that I didn't park my bike there, but I did. To prove, the wire chain I used to tie my bike was cut and was on the ground. My bike has got stolen this morning.

One of the happiest mornings turned to the worst in less than an hour. To make it worse, it was not my bike. It was my friends'. He kindly offered me to use it during my stay for free. It was his uncle's bike. I have been Marin Headlands and Muir Beach with it with other friends in these weekends. I don't have a word to describe how I was happy on it during my stay. Now it's gone, because of my ignorance, that my wire lock is not good enough for this town.

How could life suck this way? I didn't have a face to see my friend in the office this morning. He smiled at me and didn't blame my ignorance at all, which made me sad. I wish I were a kid so I could cry. My small vocabulary did not help explaining how I was sorry. I was sorry. That was all my fault.

I don't hate this city, but I am very sad that life in here could be this bad.